Tip 78: Keeping ties with granny and granddad

Living far away from granny and granddad, we sometimes lose the determination to not only stay in touch, but show how we care. In the modern society these days, each family owns a separate dwelling from their parents. Many even live in different countries or different states and seldom keep in touch, what more maintain loving ties? Children first watch the love shared between daddy and mummy. Then, they observe if daddy and mummy also love their parents, granny and granddad. As I watch the Japanese society, its sad to see family ties being cold, partly due to cultural norms of being less expressive, as well as an afluent lifestyle where everyone can independently buy whatever they want and not need to depend on each other. In fact, it becomes a nuisance to disturb another for your own living. I however do not subscribe to such a view. My blog heading says documenting the past, together with expressing our hopes for the future is the foundation for success. By knowing who we are, we can better learn from our mistakes. Family is part of who we are. In fact, family lineage I believe to a certain extent defines us, but sadly, the many wars and mass migration due to poverty in this past century disrupted the understanding of many of their family lineage. This will be of another blog post/tip altogether if I ever get a chance to explore this subject of family lineage in greater depth. But more importantly, our immediate family ties need to be cemented with love.

It takes quite a lot of proactive efforts to build good ties. Since leaving Malaysia, even when I was studying and living on meagre scholarship allowances and part time jobs, I had kept constant contact with my parents and send money home. Partly because they do not have too much savings and would feel more secure with the thought that they would get constant income flows from their children. But, I wanted to ensure that there is a tie of dependency which makes for a good cause never to stay out of touch. We usually would put less effort to maintain ties with a person, when it is on a want basis, but if it is on a need basis, we know its an important duty that we should not shirk off. While we sometimes would love to take a break and not have any cares to worry about, I think children in this afluent society need to try to maintain some loyal duty to not only stay in touch, but check if their parents' needs are catered for, even if their parents are financially independent. I know I would like these family ties between me and my child to be on a need basis rather than on a want basis. Why we need to maintain such ties indefinitely? Because family is part of who we are and even if we had not such a blessing to start with, it starts from us. I would usually call home but recently, coaxed my parents to make efforts to call my daughter and let her hear some Malaysian accent from granny and granddad. In the future, when I have established my family dwelling place after deciding how large my family should be (still making the counts of how many children is ideal), I wish to have my parents or in laws live with me or at least close to me with frequent opportunities to have meals together.

What about you? Are there any practical steps you do to maintain those family ties?

Tip 77: Close the gap, breath through your nose

I am always reminded by my wife to not open the gap in my mouth when not talking. I have a habit of leaving a very small gap between my lips. Maybe 1cm or less. Got used to humming a tune or whispering something I read to better memorize or learn something. Its the vocal person in me, where what I both see and hear stays in memory longer. So for pressumably more refined etiquette, I comply and try to smile more often and stick my lips together. I recently saw on Japanese TV that breathing through the nose and not through the mouth reduces the risk of diseases. I was then reminded of why I ought to be closing my gap ... its not just for style ... though, I am more convinced that leaving the gap open is surely not elegant. I realized I have a habit of breathing through my mouth half the time (or at least a quarter). So, I am now making a more conscious effort to breath through my nose (even as I blog now) and try aim for 99% nasal/nose breathing. Its probably not easy since I even read aloud sometimes the words I type. Then, as I google a great site on nose breathing - there are just too many scientific reasons why nose breathing is far more superior than mouth breathing. And it has nothing to do with new age mentality, yoga and the sort. The links above are neutral health sites.

This post seems like common sense. But, only when you reflect and evaluate how often you open your mouth and how much mouth breathing you do as opposed to nose breathing, then you will make it a point to nose breath more especially after reading the links above. As I make more conscious efforts to nose breath all the time, I can feel the difference where my lungs work harder, my brain gets stimulated more by my conscious breathing and hopefully more germs get stuck on my nostril instead of my throat. If the Japanese live longer because of this ... I am just going to start now before my lungs get lazy to nose breath. Hey, even snoring is reduced when one consciously make it a habit to nose breath during the day, so that you subconsciously close your mouth even in sleep. I do not snore (but since I do mouth breathing sometimes during sleep ... its not entirely quiet compared to nose breathing). Hahaha ... this post has too vivid details on the nose but the breath of life is something not to be underestimated. Breath in, breath out, be happy and be filled with love and good health.

I'm just curious... how many percent do others breath through their mouth? Do you breath through your mouth when you speak? For me, maybe its 70% nose, 30% mouth now. Still trying to track this consciously to switch to a full nose breathing regime.

Tip 76: Q & A always sparks learning

As I observe and recall Haruka's learning development, I begin to see the value of Questioning and Answering. It started with greetings in the morning. I would smile at her and greet her Ohio Haruka-chan! (Good morning Haruka!). "How are you today? Do you want to see the bow wow dog?" Nowadays, when she wakes up, she smiles at me and say "bow, wow! bow wow!" I know she wants to go out for a walk. When I go out for strolls outside with Haruka since around 2 months old, I would talk to her and always ask her "where bow wow dog? where meow meow cat? Where chip chip bird" Is it there? Where is it?" I start pointing my finger at the dog or cat. Now, when we go for strolls, I would ask her the same questions and Haruka would point at the dog and say "bow wow" or bird or whatever that captures her attention. During meal time since 2 months old, I started sneakily put some tit bits into Haruka's mouth and said "mmm ... oishi!" (delicious in Japanese). Then, as she respond by opening her mouth and smacking her lips, I asked, "Oishi desuka?" (Is it delicious?). "Oishi!" (Yes its delicious). Amazingly, by starting since 2 months old, Haruka has now memorized this word and always say "Shhh! shhh!" when she likes a food.

Besides the list below are there any other Q & A that you usually do with your kid? Would love to hear from you. Fill my comment boxes fulll. :)

How are you? I am fine!
Do you want to go out? Yes! Yes! (Nodding the head)
Is it delicious? Yum! Yum! Yes! Yes! (Nodding the head)
Where is the bow wow dog? There. (With finger pointing at the dog)
Do you want papa to carry you? Yes?
Do you want to play round and round in the garden? (Showing finger on palm) Yes?
Do you want to sleep? (Daddy yawns. Haruka follows.)

Tip 75: Love takes time

I was watching photos on facebook of a friend of mine who is a daddy of a daughter much older than mine. Then, it occured to me that there are so many more years ahead to still be the loving daddy that I am and aspire to be. Does one single act of love tell a whole life story of love? Nope. Does one single blog post define the daddy that I am and the things I have done for my children, my thoughts and my aspirations? Nope. Does one single stroll out to the park or an amusment park qualify for a memorable productive time spent? Nope. Rather, relationship requires constant interaction, constant patience, constant giving and a few sacrifices. In fact, key to a good relationship may even be having some time for disagreements to increase trust and understanding. There are no shortcuts to love. Through mastering economics, I used to think that there are always ways to maximise our efforts in investments, in making purchases, in living this life that is full of limited resources. But, to the receiver, love is unlimited and is always craved for more and more. Love is not defined by the acts of love, but the time spent loving. The keyword is time and not what you do and how creatively you do it that matters. Yes, certain acts of love will be more appreciated at times of needs and may yield better results, but when looking back to a relationship, you always ask yourself - how much time have I spent with my dad, my mum and my wife. Did it make me a better person?


These days, most activities are done hurriedly, with automation and with strict adherence to schedules and calendars. More so in Tokyo where respect of others' time is a critical expected human behavior. Yet, I realized that the phrase quality time spent is inferior to quantity time spent. At least, there should be much time spread out in many sessions to engage in quality time with family to meet all needs of affection especially during times of need. I am considering to reduce time at work for more time with family. Somehow, such decisions are necessary, though at first, I was thinking that its best to spent more time with family when the economy slows or at an older age when there has been more savings and investments built up that generates its own income. But, love does not work like a machine. Time is necessary to built trust and understanding. In the end, the memory others have of me is whether I have spent enough time with those I love and those who love me? Have I stood the test of time to be patient and self sacrificial? I wonder if love means differently to God who is not bound by man's time. Or are we focusing too much on our limited resources, that we fail to see that we have all resources to enable love and much be thankful for? Love takes time. Spent the time, and be not expecting instant results but be thankful always.

Tip 74: Seeing her photos online can stop her crying

There are a few ways to make Haruka instantly stop crying. One way is to offer some nice sweets, cakes or ice cream. But that's a no no according to mummy so as not to spoil her teeth. Daddy rationalizes that its baby teeth anyway but mummy is very strict in not having any tooth decay on Haruka. To avoid being banned from the bedroom, I comply. The second way is to let Haruka play my cell phone. There is a used and old cell phone that I let her play everyday. Since Haruka received phone calls from her granddad and grandmum, she has been amused to use the phone in case voices calling her name would start again. But Haruka knows that this cell phone that she plays is not functioning. When she cries, I let her play my working cell phone instead. If she is in a very bad mood and touching my cell phone alone does not help, I will turn on videos of her that I have saved on this cell phone. Seeing and hearing herself sing on the phone will immediately stop her crocodile tears. Previously, when Haruka was 3 months old, she would be intrigued by a voice recording alone, but now she needs to both see and hear something interesting. My blog is another thing that can capture her attention. Seeing the different photos on this blog, I would say "hey can you see your Bow, wow dog. Is that pretty Haruka and handsome daddy".

Babies under 1 year old can already respond to cartoon shows, TV commercials of delicious food and dancing people, amusing videos on phones and familiar photos on blogs. Its amazing that this generation of kids and babies are so different from 1-2 generations ago when TV, cellphones and the Internet/computer were not in existence yet. The word multimedia was not even coined then. What would be the psychological and social impact of such media to children? In my opinion, these media can make children independent from their parents and that's what we should avoid. Letting them watch and be amused by themselves and leave them alone is a no no. Instead, use these media as a last resort to spend some time with the child. Last resort because there are better ways for babies and children to learn such as playing with baby toys creatively, reading baby books and crawling around to observe their environment better. Yes, baby can still learn a lot from watching the TV commercials or childrens' program of kids running, jumping, dancing and singing but that can wait. There is a whole wealth of information to be obtained by the baby exploring and just playing with simple things around her surroundings. How she moves about, falls down, reach for things will ensure she has good motor skills and have a good understanding of her environment and space. That's so much better than learning to sing when she can't yet. So Haruka, you can only use the computer with parental guidance now until you are XX years old.... hmmm when can she start?

Tip 73: Communicate proactively to settle any misunderstandings with your child

I have been thinking about communication and just relationships in general. I think the key to having bilingual, trilingual children at a young age is when daddy and mummy communicate with their kids lots. It seems like an easy task, but communication and relationships are never easy especially when children grow up and have a mind of their own, their habits, likes and dislikes. Each human being has different temperaments, personality and its hard to please everyone especially when they grow older, smarter, richer and more independent. When that happens, somewhere along the way, trust is loss through misunderstandings and differences in values, culture and expectations. How to ensure trust is always built? By trying to understand each individual and saying the right things to different individual. By trying very hard to demonstrate that you actually care and not doing it for any personal gain or to manipulate your child. After understanding the child's needs, meet it and hopefully the trust bank builds up. Hopefully, blogs like this helps to demonstrate to my children one day when they start blogging, that I do value them since Day One.

Haruka is starting to scream more whenever she wants something. I took her to the playcenter today and put her down to play by herself and sat closeby at a sofa. I heard her screaming and thats because she could not open a drawer of toys inside. I went over to open the drawer for her and she continued to play with a smile. I looked into the future and could see her screaming whenever I instruct her to do something she does not like, or when she wants something that I do not want to give. It surely gets worse during adolescence. I looked back at my own childhood and reflected on why I did not have a good relationship with my dad but instead had a better relationship with my mum. My dad watched the TV much and did not make many initiatives to start up chats, wasn't too intellectual and intelligent, had some screw ups in his career and the whole family did go through tough times and my respect for him began to sink. As a result, I did not learn the Hakka dialect from him and even had few English conversations that felt productive to build relationship bridges. My mum while having a penchant for nagging, has a strong desire to ensure we grew up well. Did dad not have that same desire? Was he more selfish than mum? Its hard to say. Only God can read into hearts, yet we humans think we can as well. This further emphasizes the need for proactive communication to settle any misunderstandings. Always saying I am sorry, touching and patting the child to assure the child that you really care despite losing the temper, sharing your heart's content on why you made certain decisions to try to get your child involved in your life. Could Haruka be thinking why is daddy not playing with me today and is disinterested? What I need to do is to continue to reassure her by meeting her needs that I do really care indeed. That I love her always, although I am also human.

Tip 72: Have a play appointment with the animals

Whenever I have time these days (when I am not at office till late or not studying for a Japanese insurance exam or doing a free lance market entry research for a foreign company planning to enter the Japanese market), I make it utmost importance to have play tme with Haruka. The question of how much play time and daddy bonding time is enough is something I have not worked out yet. Maybe in the future, with more kids coming (God willing), a global economy that's slowing down or with lots turmoil and brakes off and on, and with an older body that can not work as hard as now, I can let my savings and investments cushion the more relaxed lifestyle I aim for. These days, you never can depend on government pension plans or your insurance plans or a minimal savings you think is sufficient, with sky rocketing inflation and increasing mismanagement of funds. Diversification is key. But, there surely needs to be time spent to play with your baby. To ensure its effective, I get the help of the animals to amplify my efforts. That's because babies are lovers of animals and they respond better with role play and playing simple toys creatively than merely pressing buttons on toys. Oh Haruka gets very excited when she gets to press buttons too, but that fascination with push buttons does not keep her mind involved long enough to encourage creative juices or put the smile on her face when she is playing alone.

I would first wake up Mr Wow wow dog from his slumber and ask him if she wants to play with Miss Meow meow cat. Then Mr Wow wow dog nods his head and goes to the table. There, Miss Meow meow cat was already waiting. "How do you do, Mr Wow wow dog? Did you have a good sleep last night?". "Thank you for asking. Yes I did. I am ready to play round and round in the garden with the teddy bear. Let's play together." Haruka would laugh and smile whenever I move the heads of these animals to nod or make strange noises when the animals are happy or sad. After a while, she learns to communicate the same way little by little. This also helps in keeping her focused on the topic and maybe extend her attention span. Maybe, it helps her to relate better and be kind to animals and people before her little brother or sister comes to play with her one day. I hope the next child will be as good natured as Haruka who would not make tantrums and have little trouble sleeping. Maybe a little of that is knowing she had a fun day with daddy.
(Photo shows Haruka at 7 months.)