Tip 220: Bridging extended family distances

Each of us have unique family heritages that we ought to value. As daddies, we need also to communicate such value to our children while young to build it in their value system before temporal distractions in life devalue them. Some feel that filial piety is outdated in today's modern society, yet these are sustainable values that form the foundation of society. They fuel love, commitment, long suffering and kindness. While we can easily replace a broken bowl in today's capitalistic economy, it is necessary to drill into our children's value system that there is much gain in life to care for our family with loyal love.

Not many people take pride in their family. I have to be honest to say that if I have fewer lessons learnt in life, I would also find it to be less convenient to take the initiative to bridge the distance. Love is never easy. Just caring for your immediate family - your wife and children is already hard work, what more to care for your parents, siblings and your inlaw's and grandparents. There is less incentive to invest our time when we cannot project immediate returns in love and other benefits. Our extended family may be less intelligent than we are, or less well off, less refined in culture and etiquette, or not taking as much initiative as us to reach out to them. If we review it economically, we see no social capital gained from being connected to our extended family since they do not bring with them a wealth of connections that we like access to, by saying we are from this family. What's in it for me?

It is such circumstances that display love in action. The greater the trial, the more genuine our love, the higher magnitude of God's enabling and working in our lives. Also, the deeper lessons our children will learn from such selfless acts. In today's modern society, we will see larger and longer distances geographically - even if just between cities, culturally accross borders, intellectually with differences in education levels between the young and the old including technology savvy and preferred communication modes, differences in size of social networks between the young and the old, material and wealth gaps and differences in lifestyles and experiences fueled by wealth. Extended families bring a host of complicated history of jealousy, strife, antagony between personalities. It will cost you, so how much are you willing to love?

Let not fear overcome us. God is there to enable us. Take the first step in love. Make that long overdue phone call. Make that trip back home during holidays when family is together. Invest your time, money and emotions and take one step forward in maturity and love. While our logic tells us that there is nothing to gain, love was never meant to be rational and calculative. There is no knowing what can be gained through love and deep within our spirits that will bring us far ahead in life.

(Photos show Haruka with her Chinese great grandmother from Singapore and her Japanese grandmother and grandfather and uncles and aunties in Ishigaki island, Okinawa where Haruka invested 1 month of her time there).

Tip 219: Some No responses are for negotiation

As I support my company's operations across Asia from Australia to India, China and Japan, I face lots of different demanding expectations. In my observation, whether we find a request unreasonable can be associated on how we have gotten used to it.

The Japanese and Koreans have gotten used to putting in long hours and foregoing their entitled annual leaves. They do not find it unreasonable at all to only take 1-2 days leave a year and let the rest go unutilized.

In many Asian cultures, bargaining is part and parcel of most transactions. Many Chinese and Indians do not find it unreasonable to be offered a ridiculously low price for their products. That is because they treat it with jest that it is a game played in life each day.

An American or Japanese who is not used to such unthoughtful and disrespectful gestures may find this an insult to their efforts spent in precisely pricing the product. Or they may just feel it is a waste of time to engage in petty amounts.

An incident at the Indian embassy of Singapore got me thinking. When needing to apply for visa to India in short notice, a visa agent advised me to head to the embassy myself in case I could get past bureaucracy and get the visa in less than 5 days. I waited in a long queue and during my chats with others, noticed that there was one in the queue who got an exceptional treatment. When it came to my turn for the visa interview, I was adamant that I had booked my flight for an important business trip and hoped to get the visa quicker. I got a No answer. I was surprised that rumours of an express service was untrue. I insisted that I could pay for such service, but was declined. Then, I questioned why there were some who could get it faster. The officer was a little furious, and I immediately apologised for my misunderstanding and got my visa in 3 days. So what is negotiable and do many Asians prepare a range and quota of negotiable outcomes? Do some who are used to fixed rules just accept a No response and forego other possibilities?

My dear readers, I would love to hear about how you respond in a negotiation? Do you treat it seriously and provide a precise and well analyzed response and get frustrated that you have to spend so much effort in a negotiation? Or do you just treat it like a game and boldly challenge the offer?

(Photos show the family at the Merlion and the Fountain of Wealth at Suntec city).