Tip 224: Early anticipation of new baby

I wrote in my first blog entry that a corporate welcome by the family to the baby that enters the world may be necessary animal instinct to define who family is. It is as important to the new baby to know his/her family early, as well as the other members of the family to appreciate the arrival of the new addition. A new addition in the family poses new dynamics sociologically to each member of the family. And that includes the eldest child.

It is best to start creating new pictures of loving bond of the whole family to the eldest child. I start mentioning the baby in some of my conversations with Haruka, even if the baby may arrive later 6 months in the future. I encouraged Haruka to learn to be a responsible and well behaved elder sister whom the younger baby can regard as sensei (teacher in Japanese). Haruka proudly nods and tries her best to impress me for a while and forgets after a while her role to leave a good example.

I encouraged Haruka to sing and to read near mummy’s belly, but she has not gathered enough motivation to do so yet. I would ask Haruka if she likes to play with the baby in the future and what games she likes to play with the baby. As Barney says, "With just a little imagination, you can have lots of fun."

Kids these days learn very quickly. Even children under age 2 years old can understand the concepts of baby. I took Haruka to each of Tomomi’s medical check up and she could see the fetus in the womb on the computer monitor. I now remind Haruka each time not to scream near mummy as the baby has ears inside the womb. Though Haruka never listens, but she understands. I will check with the doctor later, if Haruka can be nearby and be part of the delivery process. I was very much involved in the delivery room during Haruka's birth where it lasted more than 6 hours without epidural, but lots of hubby hand holding.

Daddy wants the best possible outcome. Now, the task of managing children is magnified. This blog now exemplifies a more authentic daddy role. Just managing one child as previously, may allow for more idealistic aspirations and little down to earth parenting.

With God’s enabling, I pray that I will be a just and loving daddy. May I learn a few tips from my Father in Heaven to share with all of you.

(Photos show Haruka at two separate medical check ups when I managed to sneak a camera shot. Also, Haruka enjoying herself when she was at Ishigaki, Okinawa in August).

Tip 223: Trust and not Judge

All of us have our preconceived judgments on people, places and things. We sometimes hold on too tightly on the wisdom that life has taught us or the familiarity that lightens our anxiety.

There is truth that a square object would not fit a circular mould. Yet, our judgement is based on a 1 dimensional flat plain of a single time horizon and a particular environment and location. Life can bring lots of beautiful surprises, as our God has a good sense of humour.

Different seasons of life can change a person. New environments can bring the best out of a person and even change them for good permanently. A square ice can certainly not enter a circular mould. But, when the ice melts, it can surely fill any mould. We just need to withhold our judgement and trust in the goodness and beauty of a person. The perfect timing of God has much in store for good to happen when it is hoped for.

I used to have preconceived ideas about the different countries I will work at, even before I step foot on them. For instance, I had thought Tokyo was a dense, crowded and polluted city. My 4 years living there have changed my impression totally. I think Tokyo is an extraordinarily beautiful place which does not feel crowded at all if you know where to hang out. Based on that decision, I even bought a small apartment in the very center of Tokyo which is being rented out now.

I have also heard lots of exciting things about Hong Kong being a nice place to work in. I later found that it can be a gloomy place when the sun cannot penetrate the thick smog and the tall skyscrapers filling the skyline. It can get disorganized in some places when quick aggressive citizens push around in crowded areas and speak loudly and rudely, though this observation came from my wife and I have learnt to see it through her eyes.

This impression left me thinking that all of China is the same, yet I saw the most beautiful blue skies in Beijing when I was there for a week and was wondering where was all the pollution that I was expecting to see. There were lots of green in the large parks and lakes. Now that I am in Singapore, I have thought Singapore was a very orderly and law abiding city, yet there seem to be lots of necessary improvement before it can manage an ever increasing foreign population. Through all these experiences, I have learnt to be less quick to judge, but to maintain an open mind to marvel at what life can present to me.

Yet, what does it mean to trust? To trust is not to have any worries or fear, but patiently, lovingly and joyfully hold on to goodness and whatever God has in store for us.

To judge on the other hand is to rely on our wisdom and experience to decide on right or wrong and not let go of our feelings of shame, guilt, jealousy, fear, anger, unhappiness and doubt when making such judgements. It is never easy to hold on to a piece of square ice and wait for it to melt to fill the circular mould. Yet, if we insist of pushing the square ice into the mould, there will be lots of friction and pain. We may pray that God brings out the sun to melt the ice sooner, rather than later so the waiting can be shorter, yet it is His decision. We can only wait and why not spent it joyfully.

(Photos show the latest attraction in Singapore, Marina Bay Sands Skypark where I won a one night stay. The skyline of Singapore near the bay area is catching up with Hong Kong, and the view at the top is arguably better with clearer skies. Tomomi is in her 5th month pregnancy and Haruka is enjoying swimming and is not scared of heights, but probably annoyed by the Paparazzi).

Tip 222: Living in moderation

We had a dinner at a local food coffeeshop in Singapore. Not a posh restaurant with champagne glasses. Or nice table clothes and silver utensils. Also, it was not air-conditioned. I asked Haruka if she would like to go there again and she said no.

I asked Haruka why would you not want to go there again since the food is good? She said there is no air-cond. Initially, before we sat down, Haruka did not want to settle for this coffeeshop. I had to quickly react by saying I will be ordering juice ... when I asked the coffeeshop, they had lime juice, so I managed to get Haruka seated. Do young children already know how to value ambience and the concepts of quality?

A tip to save money is to start to instill a life of moderation in the child while young, so the child will not need to only have meals in restaurants with Michelin stars. Soon, she will not have the same smile as she had at this photo at the hawker centre with ventilating fans and no air-conditioning.

Beyond saving money is dad's role in instilling in the child the ability to adapt to different places. It is also the need to instill humility and a sense of contentment in any and every situation. Paul said in the bible, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength".

(Photos show an Easter brunch at Checkers Brasserie, Hilton Singapore complete with Easter bunny, hit the pinata donkey for candies to drop, kids play area where mummy and daddy can enjoy a glass of champagne in peace. Also showing Haruka at Sentosa Island).

Tip 221: Game of Snake and Ladder

Beyond the age of 2 years old, the kid begins to like to be involved in meaningful work or activities that allow learning. If daddy merely accompanies her to watch TV or chases and catches her for a round of ticklish play, she will find it boring after a while. When she begins to be able to count, she will find a game of snake and ladder a competitive time well spent with daddy. Since daddy plays it well with her, it is the only thing she yearns to do together with daddy. If daddy would be kissing her with an unshaven face, she would be running away from me sometimes. Daddy is not so in demand around the house. But, at least there is something that I am good at. :)

Although the child will only fully appreciate the game maybe at age 3-5 years old when he or she can count well and on her own, kids these days learn very fast. I introduced Haruka the game of snake and ladder even when she was just 2 years old. I just played a simple version of it, minus the snakes and ladders so as not to confuse her. We had a good time and she has been asking for more.

At age 2 years old, Haruka cannot count accurately. She can utter 1 to 10 accurately, but sometimes she becomes impatient to identify the objects and count them one by one, though she is getting better as we play the game. Initially, she cannot identify the number of dots and markings on the dice as it takes a careful eye to count the tiny dots. Now, she has mastered it. Then, when we start counting the steps on the boardgame, she does not move on the right boxes. She just counts and jumps the characters around and not on progressive steps on the boardgame. Yet, I noticed Haruka is trying to watch and learn how I am playing it correctly and is still trying to learn this. This is certainly a good lesson in counting and understanding the rules of a simple game. After a few more rounds of playing, when daddy finds the time to sit back and relax at home and play with his little princess, I will introduce the concepts of snakes and ladders in the game. When I am busy, I tend to just want to take the short cut of spending time with my daughter by just running to her and hugging her. She detests that now. The key is spending time with an activity that she enjoys and finds daddy most proficient in.

(Photos show Haruka immersed in the game by counting the marks on the dice and a fine day at Jurong bird park where I managed to persuade Haruka to impersonate a pig for a photo taking contest).

Tip 220: Bridging extended family distances

Each of us have unique family heritages that we ought to value. As daddies, we need also to communicate such value to our children while young to build it in their value system before temporal distractions in life devalue them. Some feel that filial piety is outdated in today's modern society, yet these are sustainable values that form the foundation of society. They fuel love, commitment, long suffering and kindness. While we can easily replace a broken bowl in today's capitalistic economy, it is necessary to drill into our children's value system that there is much gain in life to care for our family with loyal love.

Not many people take pride in their family. I have to be honest to say that if I have fewer lessons learnt in life, I would also find it to be less convenient to take the initiative to bridge the distance. Love is never easy. Just caring for your immediate family - your wife and children is already hard work, what more to care for your parents, siblings and your inlaw's and grandparents. There is less incentive to invest our time when we cannot project immediate returns in love and other benefits. Our extended family may be less intelligent than we are, or less well off, less refined in culture and etiquette, or not taking as much initiative as us to reach out to them. If we review it economically, we see no social capital gained from being connected to our extended family since they do not bring with them a wealth of connections that we like access to, by saying we are from this family. What's in it for me?

It is such circumstances that display love in action. The greater the trial, the more genuine our love, the higher magnitude of God's enabling and working in our lives. Also, the deeper lessons our children will learn from such selfless acts. In today's modern society, we will see larger and longer distances geographically - even if just between cities, culturally accross borders, intellectually with differences in education levels between the young and the old including technology savvy and preferred communication modes, differences in size of social networks between the young and the old, material and wealth gaps and differences in lifestyles and experiences fueled by wealth. Extended families bring a host of complicated history of jealousy, strife, antagony between personalities. It will cost you, so how much are you willing to love?

Let not fear overcome us. God is there to enable us. Take the first step in love. Make that long overdue phone call. Make that trip back home during holidays when family is together. Invest your time, money and emotions and take one step forward in maturity and love. While our logic tells us that there is nothing to gain, love was never meant to be rational and calculative. There is no knowing what can be gained through love and deep within our spirits that will bring us far ahead in life.

(Photos show Haruka with her Chinese great grandmother from Singapore and her Japanese grandmother and grandfather and uncles and aunties in Ishigaki island, Okinawa where Haruka invested 1 month of her time there).

Tip 219: Some No responses are for negotiation

As I support my company's operations across Asia from Australia to India, China and Japan, I face lots of different demanding expectations. In my observation, whether we find a request unreasonable can be associated on how we have gotten used to it.

The Japanese and Koreans have gotten used to putting in long hours and foregoing their entitled annual leaves. They do not find it unreasonable at all to only take 1-2 days leave a year and let the rest go unutilized.

In many Asian cultures, bargaining is part and parcel of most transactions. Many Chinese and Indians do not find it unreasonable to be offered a ridiculously low price for their products. That is because they treat it with jest that it is a game played in life each day.

An American or Japanese who is not used to such unthoughtful and disrespectful gestures may find this an insult to their efforts spent in precisely pricing the product. Or they may just feel it is a waste of time to engage in petty amounts.

An incident at the Indian embassy of Singapore got me thinking. When needing to apply for visa to India in short notice, a visa agent advised me to head to the embassy myself in case I could get past bureaucracy and get the visa in less than 5 days. I waited in a long queue and during my chats with others, noticed that there was one in the queue who got an exceptional treatment. When it came to my turn for the visa interview, I was adamant that I had booked my flight for an important business trip and hoped to get the visa quicker. I got a No answer. I was surprised that rumours of an express service was untrue. I insisted that I could pay for such service, but was declined. Then, I questioned why there were some who could get it faster. The officer was a little furious, and I immediately apologised for my misunderstanding and got my visa in 3 days. So what is negotiable and do many Asians prepare a range and quota of negotiable outcomes? Do some who are used to fixed rules just accept a No response and forego other possibilities?

My dear readers, I would love to hear about how you respond in a negotiation? Do you treat it seriously and provide a precise and well analyzed response and get frustrated that you have to spend so much effort in a negotiation? Or do you just treat it like a game and boldly challenge the offer?

(Photos show the family at the Merlion and the Fountain of Wealth at Suntec city).