Tip 220: Bridging extended family distances

Each of us have unique family heritages that we ought to value. As daddies, we need also to communicate such value to our children while young to build it in their value system before temporal distractions in life devalue them. Some feel that filial piety is outdated in today's modern society, yet these are sustainable values that form the foundation of society. They fuel love, commitment, long suffering and kindness. While we can easily replace a broken bowl in today's capitalistic economy, it is necessary to drill into our children's value system that there is much gain in life to care for our family with loyal love.

Not many people take pride in their family. I have to be honest to say that if I have fewer lessons learnt in life, I would also find it to be less convenient to take the initiative to bridge the distance. Love is never easy. Just caring for your immediate family - your wife and children is already hard work, what more to care for your parents, siblings and your inlaw's and grandparents. There is less incentive to invest our time when we cannot project immediate returns in love and other benefits. Our extended family may be less intelligent than we are, or less well off, less refined in culture and etiquette, or not taking as much initiative as us to reach out to them. If we review it economically, we see no social capital gained from being connected to our extended family since they do not bring with them a wealth of connections that we like access to, by saying we are from this family. What's in it for me?

It is such circumstances that display love in action. The greater the trial, the more genuine our love, the higher magnitude of God's enabling and working in our lives. Also, the deeper lessons our children will learn from such selfless acts. In today's modern society, we will see larger and longer distances geographically - even if just between cities, culturally accross borders, intellectually with differences in education levels between the young and the old including technology savvy and preferred communication modes, differences in size of social networks between the young and the old, material and wealth gaps and differences in lifestyles and experiences fueled by wealth. Extended families bring a host of complicated history of jealousy, strife, antagony between personalities. It will cost you, so how much are you willing to love?

Let not fear overcome us. God is there to enable us. Take the first step in love. Make that long overdue phone call. Make that trip back home during holidays when family is together. Invest your time, money and emotions and take one step forward in maturity and love. While our logic tells us that there is nothing to gain, love was never meant to be rational and calculative. There is no knowing what can be gained through love and deep within our spirits that will bring us far ahead in life.

(Photos show Haruka with her Chinese great grandmother from Singapore and her Japanese grandmother and grandfather and uncles and aunties in Ishigaki island, Okinawa where Haruka invested 1 month of her time there).

Tip 219: Some No responses are for negotiation

As I support my company's operations across Asia from Australia to India, China and Japan, I face lots of different demanding expectations. In my observation, whether we find a request unreasonable can be associated on how we have gotten used to it.

The Japanese and Koreans have gotten used to putting in long hours and foregoing their entitled annual leaves. They do not find it unreasonable at all to only take 1-2 days leave a year and let the rest go unutilized.

In many Asian cultures, bargaining is part and parcel of most transactions. Many Chinese and Indians do not find it unreasonable to be offered a ridiculously low price for their products. That is because they treat it with jest that it is a game played in life each day.

An American or Japanese who is not used to such unthoughtful and disrespectful gestures may find this an insult to their efforts spent in precisely pricing the product. Or they may just feel it is a waste of time to engage in petty amounts.

An incident at the Indian embassy of Singapore got me thinking. When needing to apply for visa to India in short notice, a visa agent advised me to head to the embassy myself in case I could get past bureaucracy and get the visa in less than 5 days. I waited in a long queue and during my chats with others, noticed that there was one in the queue who got an exceptional treatment. When it came to my turn for the visa interview, I was adamant that I had booked my flight for an important business trip and hoped to get the visa quicker. I got a No answer. I was surprised that rumours of an express service was untrue. I insisted that I could pay for such service, but was declined. Then, I questioned why there were some who could get it faster. The officer was a little furious, and I immediately apologised for my misunderstanding and got my visa in 3 days. So what is negotiable and do many Asians prepare a range and quota of negotiable outcomes? Do some who are used to fixed rules just accept a No response and forego other possibilities?

My dear readers, I would love to hear about how you respond in a negotiation? Do you treat it seriously and provide a precise and well analyzed response and get frustrated that you have to spend so much effort in a negotiation? Or do you just treat it like a game and boldly challenge the offer?

(Photos show the family at the Merlion and the Fountain of Wealth at Suntec city).

Tip 218: Helping daddy join contests

As Haruka grows past 2 years old, she is constantly seeking approval from daddy and mummy. She has understood the concept of work (shigoto in Japanese) and she wants to be as busy as daddy and mummy. She gets excited when minor chores are assigned to her as she feels important. She feels she is becoming more of an adult when she can do tasks that adults do.

In the photo above, I let Haruka be part of my contest participating activity. She peels the lucky draw cards that I have collected, takes the stickers out and passes them to me. It seems like an easy task, but it requires knowing how to peel and tear on a dotted line package. As she does it frequently, since I am sending many entries for this contest, she improves on it. It is Haruka who feels a sense of achievement while daddy gets free child labour.

Exposing a young child to adult activity can provide good learning experiences and a sense of pride and satisfaction in work. A child can learn from play, but they can also learn from doing house chores. Tomomi buys a child knife that can cut small items such as cucumbers and trains Haruka to assist in the kitchen. When I come back from grocery shopping with lots of bags to unload, I identify the items that Haruka can put into the fridge. When she does it often, she knows where those items should be and accomplishes the assignment instantly.

It does require some time to identify such minor chores. Also some patience to teach the young wannabe. Yet, its these priceless moments that Haruka appreciates spending time with daddy. When the relationship has such learning moments with daddy, it balances up the moments when Haruka feels unhappy when daddy lectures her to behave. It can be sad when daddy comes home from work only to lecture and scold the child each time, yet not have the time to teach patiently and gently guide the child. The child needs moments when daddy can be proud of her. I am now waiting for the moment when Haruka contributes to my winning contest entry. She can then be proud that the prize was her contribution.

(Photos show Haruka being proud of helping daddy with the Haagen Dazs Word Hunt contest

and the scene from the 31st floor of Standard Chartered Building when the Marina Bay Sands was still under construction. Contest lovers feel free to contact me about this contest and other contests.)

Tip 217: Know who the Best Friend is

Haruka has a new best friend. It is no longer Barney. Though, she would still enjoy a Barney & Friends program if it is on TV. Haruka's new best friend is Agumon. It is amazing how kids at just 2 years old can develop a sense of liking towards a particular TV character and have the interest to learn about such a character. Parents who know their kid's new best friend can understand better what motivates their kid and drive them to learn and play.














Agumon is a character from the Japanese TV cartoon/manga Digimon. There are possibly quite a few reasons why Haruka loves Agumon. Since age 2 years old, Haruka has decided her favorite colour is yellow. I have once asked her why she likes yellow, and she just tells me it is a beautiful colour. A baby may like a certain colour based on their experience of finding food of such a colour tasty or toys with such a colour a pleasure to play with.














Other reasons why Agumon is liked could be because of it being brave, relaxed and funny. Agumon possesses strength, yet does not seem to be too violent, ugly or threatening. At an age where Haruka is beginning to want to be independent, she looks up to such characters where boldness is matched with likeability.














Such knowledge always help dad to motivate the child towards accomplishing values and habits that are admirable. By learning more about the character, daddy can identify values of such a character and encourage the child to emulate those noble values.














Also, daddy can provide incentives for the child to be performing good habits such as finishing her meal or picking up her toys after play with a Digimon TV allowance or a trip to watch Digimon for free at a shopping mall.















Such motivation can be costly though. Being a thoughtful dad that I am, I thought it would be convenient to do my groceries at the shopping mall that provided gifts of Digimon water bottles. Then, I got myself in a sticky situation where the Agumon water bottle was out of stock and Haruka saw the promotion of the different types of water bottle available and yet she could not have the one with her best friend on it.














(Photos show Haruka at City Square Mall, Farrer Park to watch Digimon perform).

Tip 216: Never give up on life's challenges

It takes a dad to understand a dad's contribution. It is because only a dad would understand the burden and weight of expectations of a dad once he carries it himself. Sometimes the expectation is self-imposed. Nevertheless, the burden remains. Whether it is at home when interacting with wife and kids, or at work when managing work duties, or at the supermarket when managing the budget, or at the investment house when managing future cash flow, or at a government office to follow up on complaints for sustainable living, or at church, school or hospital when managing child's education and development, a dad faces numerous challenges each day. To appreciate a father, we need to weigh less on the outcome of a father's contributions, but to esteem the fact that the father is still running the race and have not given up on the challenges.



I watched a movie and remembered a quote. "Life is hard. Marriage is more difficult." It is true that with our unlimited wants and ambitions and towering expectations from our loved ones and society, life can only be hard. It is harder for some with limited abilities, talents and intelligence facing the risk of making wrong choices. Actually, it may be even harder for some who are blessed with more in life, the ability to dream dreams and want a better life as they would thus have higher mountains to climb which presents bigger challenges. The more knowledge of good and evil, the higher the chance to sin. Besides just performing duties, each of us are faced with fleeting temptations each day, natural disasters and dangerous people. It must be an achievement for any dad to raise their kids over two long decades considering the many sacrifices rendered.

It is father's day soon. A friend thanked me for my contributions on the blog. She said she was inspired reading them. But she could not take it upon herself to reconcile with her dad so soon. Each of us have different expectations of what a dad ought to do and be. I used to be the same. But now, as a dad myself, I realized that my kids ought to be thankful that I am still alive and have not given up on life. When we appreciate our fathers, we are in effect recognizing that life is hard. Someone gave up their own life to create another. Sometimes, this person may have failed in many of the ideal expectations of a dad. Yet, this person is still alive today and the kids are also growing up through the many contributions of this father. Any father have many weaknesses like all of us do. Yet, he pressed on and continued in the race to fulfil some of his duties, if not all. Who else can do that? Only a father who has some amount of love in his heart. Can we question the measure of a father's love, when no one else have done the same? Thank you dad for not giving up on life's challenges.

(Photos show Haruka in numerous coin operated rides in Singapore. If only life is just a predictable ride that needs only a coin).

Tip 215: Coaxing new habits in a baby

I watched a program about animals and how they cared for their young. A baby seal was with the mother seal on the icy surface, already independently moving around without needing the warmth of the mother. The mother knows that this is the right time to teach the baby to swim in the icy cold water under the ice surface. A hole was made on the ice. The mother seal feels the cold water and dives into the water. Then, it surfaces to look for the baby. It made constant noise for the baby to follow her. Then, it pushes the baby into the cold water and follows it. This is natural parenting. The mother did not think that the baby can swim without persistent coaxing. How else will the baby learn to swim and search for food without her mother teaching it and patiently coaxing the baby the habits needed for survival and living? Who else will the baby learn from? Even if the animals live in packs, they would only follow after their mother. Of course, there are always instances where babies separate from their parents and is cared by another female in the pack, but such is out of the ordinary.














Society has progressed that we think kids can learn on their own. We think others can do the job of caring for our babies. Yet, kids learn best from their parents. Good habits need to be learnt early in childhood, or even while the baby is 1 or 2 years old. Habits such as keeping your toys after play, learning to wait patiently and silently while someone is making a phone call, sitting attentively and listening when others speak instead of playing and distracting other children, saying good morning to everyone even when you are not in the mood, greeting everyone when you enter the home and putting back your own shoes, giving thanks for the food before eating, taking pride in keeping busy such as reading or playing independently or helping mummy in kitchen, smiling when someone looks at you (if the person looks pleasant and safe), knowing what is safe and what is dangerous before doing something or going somewhere. The list goes on and yes, it can be learnt and practiced by a 2 year old. Children may learn all these things by themselves. Yet, if the parent can share them lovingly to the child, the habits stamp a more lasting impact in their lives. If we have time for them, we need not lose our patience and instruct them or scold them. We instead can patiently coax or motivate them to inculcate these values daily. If we feel our children are just not as obedient, then it is ever more a case to spend more time with them. The mother seal definitely would feel anxious if her baby is not learning how to swim. Children will definitely catch this earlier in childhood if they caught it from their parents, instead of from their maid or from their teachers at school. Teachers play an important role as children do look up to certain teachers. But, what if they are none that they look up to or if the children seem to adore TV characters more than exemplary caring adults around them. We, parents need to play that role. If the mother seal can do it due to her God given role, why can't us? Let's do it and make this world a better place.

(Photos show Haruka in Malaysia during the Chinese New Year holidays to visit her grandparents. An uncommon beautiful large well maintained park with wild monkeys at Taman Tun Dr. Ismail, Kuala Lumpur with aunt Oy Mooi who came back from USA and heading to Sabah for good and Haruka's first lion dance).

Tip 214: Enjoying weekly church routine

Haruka now looks forward to going to church. She would ask us at night whether she will be going to church tomorrow. I attribute this to a routine that we inculcate in her early that she enjoys following. Also, the role of caring teachers in the church that made Haruka feel happy going to the church.

From age 2 years old, children begin to develop preferences and routines that they enjoy sticking to. For instance, they may be unhappy if their parents do not read to them at night, if such a routine has been started. The babies have discovered that they can decide which are the activities to fill their lives. They discovered the power of saying no and the power of saying "please, papa". They begin to value certain food and certain activities more than others. Yet, it is at an early age at 1 year old, that they developed these preferences and how to value the different experiences in their lives. Hence, exposing kids early to praise worthy activities, healthy food and noble deeds can yield good returns in the future.

I observe the kids around me. As they grow up, they may prefer to stay home to play playstation or computer games. They may prefer to not step out of the comfort of their homes to go to church. They may find Sunday School and church boring as they may not have developed an appreciation of such activity and not enjoyed a church routine.













Hence, parents play a role to develop such a love in their kids early. Hopefully, this love will continue to blossom such that the foundation will never be shaken should the child be exposed with other competing pleasures and wants in this world, as well as when the child moves to a new place where such familiarity and routines are different.













I thank Mariko Tanzawa-sensei for being caring for all her students in her class. Haruka looks up to her for teaching her every week. She mentions the teacher's name at home and I am sure her stories will continue in length as she becomes more and more talkative and spends more time to reflect on her past day as she grows up.













It is not easy for daddy to find a church that would suit mummy and baby. It is probably less important for daddy to find a church that fits him as he feels happy as long as the whole family is well grounded in a weekly church routine. I thank God that He has given me a strong foundation in my youth, so I can lead my family to do the same.













(Photos show Haruka practicing as a sheep in a Christmas play and a Kid's party/camp at church member's condo on labour's day holiday)

Tip 213: Regular exercises at playground

Like adults, babies and kids need to exercise. We assume our kids are usually active and running around when we are not with them. We assume they have full of energy and is so youthful like we were when we were much younger. Yet, kids these days may prefer to watch the TV, watch youtube on the Internet on our computers, draw and write, read their books or simply play their toys at the comfort of the home. Even if they go to kindergarten or play school or to the babysitters, there is no guarantee that they are interested to run around and play. They may prefer to sit at the side and watch others run under the sun or simply stay indoors. It may seem unnecessary to be in control of our child's activities all the time. We assume they will develop an interest later for activities that most kids their age will enjoy. Yes, they would. But, it is also necessary for parents to keep a close eye on their kids physical and athletic
development. There is a role for parents to motivate their kids and expose them to the different types of play and exercises. Probably, boys may develop their own sense of play and exercises better than girls. Hence, a dad needs to show his daughter how to climb and how best to utilize the different facilities at the playground. For instance, when Haruka was playing at the slide, I just needed to suggest to her that she can put her hands on the railingand swing. She tried it out and enjoyed it. Sometimes, some of the facilities requires climbing and Haruka is unsure if she can do it. She is unsure of how to step certain climbing railings. I guide her legs and hands when I encourage her to climb. I stand behind her to catch her if she loses a grip. Or I do it in front of Haruka like a big daddy monkey and gives Haruka a glimpse of how it can be done. It is up to her if she takes up my challenge to do it. Else, I will wait for her to gather enough courage to do it at her next play time. What if daddy was not there? I think it will be less motivating and less supportive for Haruka to do her own exercises. Our presence do make a difference. Some kids may be more independent and creative than others. Some kids may depend on our presence to guide them to make the most of the facilities, toys and books around them to learn and maximize their full potential.

(Photos show Haruka at her first hand swing exercise at 2 years old with daddy clapping at the background)